I want, but there is the I-have-to

I'm becoming sloppy. As a student, that is. Very sloppy. I can't help wondering where my motivation to study is.

There was this lecture today for my International Trade course, and the lecture hall was barely half full. I was checking my mail, doodling on my ipad and basically doing anything but listening. Well, it's a fact that the lecturer is boring. His English is horrible, which is made worse by his monotone and thick accent. He comes very late for lectures, and on top of that, takes his sweet time in starting up the projector. He takes one hour to repeat exactly the lecture he gave the previous lecture. Then proceed to drone on mostly incomprehensibly about the new material (which he almost always cut short 'cos he ran out of time).

I love trade. Well, I think it's one of the wonders of humanity and how it affects countries are fascinating and very important. But I can't bring myself to put any effort into this course.

I used to think that it's the fault of the lecturer. But today, I looked around and realized that at least one quarter of those who attended were listening. Some even asked questions during the break.

I feel ashamed. Not that I didn't try to listen - god knows that is a futile effort - but that I didn't try to at least study on my own and figure it out. I don't even feel like I want to, I only feel like I have to, which makes it worse.

For all my grand words about becoming good at what I do and to be among the best, I couldn't even muster the will to at least try to do it. I had more concrete excuse at the beginning of the semester, at least - all three events I'm organizing were happening and there were a million things to sort out, I was grateful to have time to just finish the assignments, let alone do extra readings or studying.

Now I have time. But all I want to do is watch more Grey's Anatomy, read more books, write my own stories or even draw some manga. I want to immerse myself in stories, much like I did in high school. (I'm reminded of that quote, 'The more things change, the more they stay the same', but that is so cliche for me by now and I don't want to go down that road tonight)

But didn't I leave that world behind? That world of living in someone else's worlds, of fighting odds-defying battles with imagined bravery, of having virtual friends with whom I've survived life and death situations?

I remember making the decision to live my own life in the real world, to make my own story the best one I can. And also to give back in some significant ways to this world. It was why I chose Economics - I believe that life cannot be separated from it, and of all disciplines, this is the one that excites me the most with its relevance and potential for changing lives for the better on a much greater scale. And I love it, dammit.

But why can't I find the will to put more effort into it? Am I getting disillusioned by its limits? Am I too impatient? Am I just in need of a break, after back-to-back projects and competitions? Am I too greedy?

I'm pretty sure I'm being rather whiny, sigh.

I have other dreams, you know. Dreams of telling a really, really good story; even if it touches just one person deeply and make him/her cry and laugh, I would die happy. Dreams of making my parents really proud.

I could have just choose some straightforward career and write in my free time, but this highly insensible thing called ambition makes me want more. It makes me believe that the skills and talents I am born with - though proving rather elusive at the moment - should be put to good use and help make this mess of a world a better place.

I want more. I want to leave my mark, I want to be significant to the world, and I want to be dearly missed after I die.

Ah, yes. This want.

Will it make me happy if I get what I want? Am I wanting the right things? I don't know. But I can feel it again - that drive to do things. Wanting things drives people.

I wonder which is sadder, that I need to be reminded of what I want so often, or that what I truly, truly want - to tell a good story - is unlikely to be significant or useful.

Ok this is sadder - I just realized that my life is like an analogy to the whole GDP-as-measure-of-growth dilemma. Or the other way round: Ambition and significance are like GDP - they're not everything, but they can be measured and their value more or less universally acknowledged (if not universally agreed upon with regards to the magnitude of that value), and they won't guarantee happiness. But everyone wants them, and as long as some people want them, it's just very hard to not have them.

Is life, on an individual scale and beyond, always about this struggle between self and other people? About going back and forth between what we owe ourselves and what we are obliged to society at large? About choosing between being irresponsible to oneself or being selfish?

Do they converge at some point, or are we suppose to find a happy balance? The Taoist in me - actually I only know the symbol for certain, though you can tell its essence from the symbol itself - knows that balance is not stillness. It's more like a constant back and forth between the two extremes.

But that is very tiring, you have to admit.

It's also as useful as knowing that the things will tend to 'equilibrium' in the Long Run, despite whatever chaos in the Short Run.

And I have a feeling I will have to talk about faith at some point after this. Let's not. Not tonight.

Not when I want to do things again.