And I used to say I will save the world

I realized something today that threw me into a state of despair.

These past few years I thought I finally found that confidence in myself, that I believe in my own ability now to choose my own path, instead of doing what is expected of me. Today I realized that that wasn't true, that the opposite is true - what I have now isn't the confidence to choose my own path, just a new-found ability - a talent, even - to do what is expected of me. What despairs me is that I can't seem to resist the easy path.

And yeah, there's a pretty long story behind that. But I'll try to summarize:

I have always been different from my peers, even as a child. I was always shy and afraid to try out new things. I don't make friends quickly. I prefer to do my own things, to play with my own imagination than mix with other people.

But I was extremely eager to please the people whom I see as more important - adults. So I was the model (chinese-school-trained) obedient kid/student - I was polite, I keep quiet in class, I finish my homework and don't cause trouble. My nature is to please and to confirm to expectations.

Of course, come teenage-hood, things change. Suddenly, I was in this school where teachers expect you to speak up and heck, actually do things instead of just being quiet and listen in class. I didn't know how.

Looking back, I think I don't even know what exactly I did in response, but I think I withdrew somewhat into my own world - which was expanding pretty fast due to the arrival of DSL connection in the household, fortunately - and I did a lot of thinking and daydreaming.

Eventually, I realize there is this whole societal pressure vs listen-to-your-heart struggle that many face at some point of their lives. Those YA novels - for which, for some reason, listen-to-your-heart always mean choosing a bad boy or choosing to sing/pursue art/be a struggling actress - did not help at all. Being so enviously naive and sure of myself, I thought that I would, of course, listen to my heart when it matters. No doubt about it.

Yet even in high school, I recognize the type of people who are valued. Those who are the leader-types: the prefects, the athletes/team captain, the presidents. I was nowhere close.

So I was very, very hungry for opportunities to learn and be like them by the time college came around. I told myself that I wanted to be the best that I can be - yet who is to say that I wasn't just trying, yet again, to please someone? To confirm to society's perception of a high  achiever?

Of course, I got all that now, the titles and the pretty resume. I also know, by now, how to smile and tell people have a nice day, when I in fact feel like strangling them; I know how to use emotional anecdotes and the right pauses to grip people in a speech; I know (roughly) how to make small talk and 'network', at places where everybody seem the same and I don't feel like talking to anyone; and I also know how to say things that people want to hear, whether in class, in discussions or even in interviews.

People seems to value those 'skills', and I was feeling rather smug that I now have them at my disposal.

How would I use them? What kind of career would I choose? I thought I was the one with the bargaining power now, with all those 'skills'. That I can choose what I want to do.

To put things in context, I've been struggling for a while now about whether to join an investment bank, or do some research work elsewhere. I enjoy research; I love having access to all those databases or archives in university, and have always enjoyed the essay contests I joined, where I had to do prior research, and then organize my thoughts and put them down properly. Academia seems, for the first time, an attractive possibility. But academics don't get any respect unless they win Nobel prizes. (More importantly and perhaps more illuminatingly for the matter at hand, my working-class parents have no respect for them at all) And they aren't rich.

Investment banks - well, you know the story. Jaw-dropping amounts of money, but banks squeeze out all the work they can get from you. No life to talk about, and seemingly not much meaning or purpose in their work, other than making the rich richer.

The listen-to-your-heart issue is for another post entirely. What made me despair was not that; it was the fact that I thought, with all the work I put in to gather the skills and experience needed to be a leader and thus a higher-quality job-seeker, I would have the confidence to choose what I really want, that I would have the confidence to believe that whatever I choose to do I would succeed.

I don't.

What I have instead, are some newly-developed skills that make it much easier for me to confirm to expectations. That quiet girl in school would probably never pass the first stage of a scholarship interview, let alone a job interview with an investment bank. Now I'm pretty sure of my ability to land a job there.

How can I say no?

I am extremely afraid of disappointing other people, my parents most of all. It feels like I am in primary school again, and they told me to listen to the teacher, so I would ignore the other kids when the teacher is speaking, even if they are trying to get my attention.

We are not rich people. Saying no to money is highly insensible, and saying no to the kind of money investment banks can give you is almost crazy, at least to my parents. To me, it is extremely hard.

Money is one thing, I also want the prestige, dammit. I want people to look at me and think I'm a success. I want those superficial success that I know are useless for life in general and don't make you happy. The saddest thing is, I want it because other people want it.

That's why I despair. I thought I was in the driver's seat of my own life, turns out I was following road signs all the way.

*

I would be lying if I said money is the only thing that draws me to the investment banking industry. As an economics student, I know they serve an important role in connecting capital and entrepreneurs with ideas that can benefit the world. Without the risk-appetite of an entrepreneur, this is perhaps one of the closest way I get to help turn ideas into reality.

Financial products also fascinate me, especially in a world where increasing awareness of financial literacy drive even ordinary people into investing. Intellectually, I'm quite curious about how they match people and money, and the innovative ways they do it. Banking was a pretty straightforward choice for me then.

But that was my cocooned world, before I learned about the pressing issues in the world today: climate change, human rights, gender equality, democracy and so many others. Back then, I didn't know about economics as a discipline, as a tool that has enormous potential to help build a better, fairer world for everybody. I know I am blessed in many ways, I want to do my part to make life better for other people.

Life is so much bigger than just who I am or what I want.

Perhaps investment banking will improve lives down the road. Fine. But then there is the long hours and disrespect for workers as human beings. Am I afraid of hard work? Not really. I am more afraid of neglecting my health, my family, my friends, my other passions. Things that make me human. If the hours are normal, I wouldn't have to struggle at all. But banks seem to just want to squeeze out every drop of work they can get, and if you fail, thousands others are ready to take your place.

I am afraid that I will turn into some soulless drone.

*

'Jangan takut saja.' ('Don't just be afraid.')

This line keep repeating itself in my head. A taxi driver told me this a long time ago, when I mentioned I took the longer option of a train journey to KL instead of bus because I was afraid of bus accidents.

But when you grow up poor and they wave money in your face, how can you not be afraid that you'll do whatever they tell you to?