Hello 2011 :)

Well, frantic packing and slow walks along the beach of Pulau Tioman made me miss all the New Year frenzy and the flood of resolutions-sharing, so it didn't really feel like a New Year to me. Still, tossing out the old calender and beginning a new one is a good excuse to take stock of the past year and see what I want out of the new one.

What was 2010 like? That is one hard question to answer. I'm still not so far from high school that I remember what it's like to have a structured and sheltered life, with the passage of time marked by exams and birthdays. Yet, in the past two or three years I've been through so much changes and faced uncertainties that didn't seem to have an end that all resemblance of structure has broken down and it's become more of a task to assess how I did in a year. 

2010 began with tons of projects and more ambition that I could handle, the latter of which I only realized quite recently. What happened this year started further back, so please indulge me as I try to trace what made 2010 fly past in a blur.

In 2008-2009 I was hungry intellectually and I studied harder than I ever did in life, and I got very close to what I said I wanted to be. I was the model high achiever, and everyone thought really well of me and was certain of the high-flyer future I would have. But something very important was missing. 

I wasn't happy. At all. Despite feeling an inflated sense of achievement and feeling very proud of myself, I was more miserable than ever.

So when I faced a choice between continuing down that road, which is laced with a vague promise of security career-wise, and the perceived 'inferior' choice with a future that is pretty much a total unknown, I chose the latter. I chose to be near the people who matter the most to me, because that is the surest way I know how to be happy.

Granted, I am very grateful that I'm blessed enough to be able to make that choice, I know many others don't have that privilege.

So that was how I ended up studying in Singapore, a place where I once vowed to never study in (as my family are eager to remind me whenever I'm enjoying myself too much).

But well, saying that I was the model high achiever was exaggerating, as I was rejected by all the scholarships I applied to (except the last one). I didn't really think of them as failures though, only very important indicators of my weaknesses and what I need to work on.

So in late 2009, when uni started, I was determined to take on most non-academic opportunities I come across and make full use of it. I joined clubs and organizing committees, I joined contests, I volunteered at the YOG; I didn't really study very hard.

As my math skills - something I was so proud of back in college - grew rusty and my interest in writing, environment, drawing, sociology, web design, history, marketing and everything except Economics grew, I wonder.

As my to do list grew endless with club meetings, reports, proposals; course assignments, projects, readings; stories, blog posts, attempts at learning to cook, practise driving; I grew tired and restless, and I wonder.

As my career aspirations wobble between banking, civil service, academia, business and doing something really meaningful, I wonder.

*

It's safe to say I wondered a lot in 2010. I worried a lot. I did a whole lot of stuff. But I don't think most of what I accomplished was the best I could do. Except maybe YOG. That I enjoyed a lot and had the most fun in.

Well, I miss being really good at what I do. So here are the goals I set for myself this year and beyond:

1) Pick my battles wisely. Learn to say no, even to opportunities (when I'm waist-deep in exploring other opportunities, that is)

2) Fight them well. Learn how things can be better done. Then do it.

3) Be a better friend. Care more, judge less.


They don't look very impressive or ambitious or SMART, nor do they point to a specific direction of what I should achieve in life.

That's because I'm not done exploring, you know? If there's anything I learned during my almost-desperate drive to prove myself, it's that the world is so, so much bigger than I ever thought possible; and I matter very little in the grand scheme of things (yes, I admit that my sense of self-worth was rather inflated).

For all I want to save the world from itself, no one really cares until I have something useful to contribute.

As for goal number 3... well, trying to do so much meant I had little time to just hang out over coffee bubble tea, or to say hi to old friends. Bad me.

I will be better.

*

So what was 2010 like? It was a bit all over the place, and I am a bit lost. But I had fun too.

How about 2011 then? I will explore more. Have more fun. But I'll be better at it.

So hello, 2011. Let's get things started.

:)