Today is the last day of the mid-(academic)-year holidays, and somehow there is a mood to just reflect on some of the things I've learned. Some of these I had learned before and forgotten, and I think they would be again forgotten and relearned, going in these endless cycles throughout life. That's why one of the keys to being happy is to laugh at ourselves, I reckon.
Well, the holidays were rather wonderful, I would say. It wasn't planned, the to-do-list was half completed at best, more than a few deadlines were missed, and many more things remain for me to tackle as the new semester dawns.
But then again, I went for a three-day Tioman trip where I just soaked in how beautiful simple things like sand and trees and morning mist are. And to stand in awe at the vastness of the sea. And watch the waves come in and recede again and again, going through its motions regardless of what happened.
Even more memorably, I hang out with my family, cracking jokes and being silly and laughing until our stomach hurt (really, I'm not exaggerating). We explored the whole beach and more together, and I am just so glad and grateful to be able to do it, after those terrifying months last year during my dad's hospital stint.
After we came back, it was back to missing deadlines, dealing with un-contactable colleagues who made me want to scream, having the uni's students' office throw us surprise after surprise that set my whole team and I into a scramble to replan everything - you know, the likes. Life happens.
And that is something that I re-learned - that life just happens. Things never really turn out as planned, life and other people throw you surprises. There is no use being annoyed or angry at the world, and there is no wisdom in focusing your attention to control everything and try to force other people to suit your working style.
I also learned the other side of that argument. Life doesn't just happen to me, it happens to everybody. So we should be more gracious to other people, realize that no one is really out to annoy you or disappoint you. If we just try to see from their points of view, it's quite likely that they meant well.
Especially the people you love. They may sometimes drive you crazy or disappoint you, but no one can deny that they love you. It's important to learn their stories, about what made them who they are. Bite your tongue before you use it to rebut them, and send your message across in a way that they will understand, not the way that you prefer.
I used to be awed by stories of heroes saving the world; of wizards and witches, of interstellar ranger teams, of knights and riders. I still am, but I am always humbled by stories of real, ordinary people, who braved lives much harder than mine and are still able to give so generously. In recent years I am much humbled by stories of my parents and elders, and I really hope I will be as brave in my own life.
I have also learned the value and necessity of patience, though perhaps not patience itself yet. I remember wanting everything; I wanted the adventure of living a life overseas, I wanted to write my own story and publish it before turning twenty, I wanted to influence policy and engage in nation building right after graduation, I wanted to save the environment, I wanted to earn lots of money, I wanted to save the world. Before twenty-five. Something like that. I was desperate not to waste my youth, and I wanted it to have meaning.
All that wanting wasn't too good for my focus, and I ended up not really doing anything particularly useful, or particularly well-done.
All those reflections and frustrations of the past holidays led to the realization of what it really means to be just a cog in the wheel that is life and the universe. That no matter how big my dreams are, I am just among billions of others with their own dreams.
But that's ok. I learned something important:
While I have potential I am not yet skilled, and while I have big dreams I am still naive.
Naive not in my ignorance of the harsh reality of life, but in my ignorance of what even better possibilities are out there, what even better ways to do things or save the world there are that my limited imagination didn't fathom about.
I have to be patient. To take time; to learn as much as I can, to be as good as I can be in my chosen field, to be humble so that I can learn from others on how to be brave.
There is a saying in Chinese that I used to scoff at, it suggests a sequence for a person's life:
修身，齐家，治国，平天下。
(xiu shen, qi jia, zhi guo, ping tian xia)
A rough translation means one must first master oneself (in terms of skills, mental maturity, the likes), then settle family matters, moving on to regulate and fix one's country, and finally, to help bring peace to the world. It suggests shifting our attention in stages from self, to family, to our country and finally to the world.
I used to think that that would take a lot of time for me to save the world. :)
Jokes aside, I can finally appreciate the rationale behind it. Because it takes time to sort out our principles and values, it takes time to build expertise, it takes time to build relationships and find comrades, and most importantly, it takes time to gather experience, so that when the time came for us to do what we are meant to do on earth, we would know how best to do it.
Patience, patience.
It helps, of course, to know that we are far from alone in this world. Many others would share our dreams; some started working on it decades earlier, and many more will work for it when they grow up. The best way we can contribute is by bringing our expertise to the table and doing our best jobs, not by being mediocre and whiny.
We are all part of this big, wonderful world. In the future we'll all bring significant, real changes to the world. And until then, we'll just have to be patient, and do our best to prepare ourselves for our turn.
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I still want many things. But above all, I want to be good at what I do.
To quote a friend of mine - I am ready to learn again.
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