What we did, what we are doing

"You can't define yourself by what you've done. Only by what you're doing now." 
-- Carlos, in "Final Days", Power Rangers in Space fanfic, 'First' series, by Starhawk (or her new site)

I wonder. How do we define ourselves? What does it mean to be who we are?

Extraordinarily vague questions with even harder to define answers. I remember in my old blog, there was a point - sometime during school holidays when I was either 16 or 17 (and man I feel old by thinking I'm older than that now) - when I knew for sure I have found who I am, or was.

I claimed that I was 'complete', and listed the things that made me so; they include my achievements, my family and friends, my feelings and thoughts, my dreams for the future and some other things.

I've since lost that conviction, of course, and found and lost it again a couple more times. Because I know that identity is not a fixed or tangible thing, it changes with time and what we currently do, even if there is a core that must somehow stay constant. (And I only know the latter because I'm sure we would have gone crazy if not for it)

But back to the quote. It made me think, because who are we if we exclude what we've done? Context often matters; in the above the character, Carlos, was talking to another character called Kerone, who was kidnapped and brainwashed to be evil when she was young and had only recently found out her real identity. And I suppose this definition, that only what we are doing now matters, come up more often in situations where redemption or forgiveness is sought.

How about generally, then? Can we define ourselves by what we've done? I'm toying with this question because at this stage of my life, with resumes and scholarship interviews just a year ago, I was required to think hard and list done what I've done. And I suppose that gave those achievements a greater weight than deserved.

The more I think about it, the more I think my 16 or 17-year-old self is wiser. Who we are isn't what we've done or our achievements, or it can't be just that. They are only part of who we are. What we're doing now, who we want to be in the future - they all form parts of who we are.

And we should all give equal weight to them, something which I think I'd done poorly at lately. Maybe that's why that quote triggered so much thought.

I've been looking too much at the past lately and at what I've done. A clearer phrase is perhaps 'resting on my laurels'. And complacent.

Yes, I have done things I'm proud of. But it feels like this past year I haven't been doing things that move me forward. I feel like my laudable achievements halted with that Cambridge offer letter, with that win at the essay contest (and certain personal stuff).

So how shall I define myself by what I am doing now? I would say I am better in the past month. I am ready to move forward. It feels like I've moved past a hurdle without knowing what it was, and that quote finally put words to that problem. Next time I would know better.

I am happy at that. :)

**

By the way, if you are curious about the stories, I have only two things to say - They are wonderfully long, and greatly satisfying to read till the end ('the end' is still debatable, actually). You need not know too much about Power Rangers because the author changed much of the original, and went far beyond that anyway.

Those stories were among the first fanfics I've ever read, and they remain among the best. They're also the very ones that ignited my dream to write my own stories. They've accompanied me throughout my high school life, and I've gone back and reread them dunno how many times. It gets better each time, somehow.

What I love most was perhaps that the author went beyond the happy endings, and showed us how their lives went on after they saved the universe. The 'season' I'm at now - after an exhilarating reread from season one - is when they were about to graduate from high school. I can so connect to that even though that happen a few years ago now.

Ah, stories. How would I ever live without you.