First Half

Man, I miss Desperate Housewives. Can't believe I missed so many seasons.

Ahem.

Anyway. It's the 30th of June, the end of the first half of the year. As with all symbolic passage of time, this warrants some reflections.

It feels a lot like the same time last year. Last year, I just finished my A-levels and was finally home - though not for good, for I packed up and left for Singapore barely two months later. (It struck me many times, with the oddest sense of surprise and hints of sadness, that perhaps that three months after SPM was the last time I 'live' at my home. After uni it would be fulfilling my tuition bond, which means staying in Singapore for another three years. By then, where would home be? Did I and do I treasure it while I have it?).

These days I'm going back and forth the Causeway, not really staying at either place for long. My bed at home is the bottom half of those 'retractable' beds, with my brother occupying the upper half, and it's stowed away when I am not home. I feel somewhat like a guest, even if buying that bed was my idea ("It'll save space when I'm off to college!", I had enthusiastically suggested, feeling rather smart, during SPM exams, when my parents bought it at a sale). I miss having my own space.

Back to the first half of this year. I've done a lot, that I don't have trouble admitting. The massive undertaking that was NTU Model United Nations is but a blur of memories now, back in February. Then there was some exhibitions and a few talks that I helped organized; there was a whole semester of Economic Thought that kept my mind stimulated; the numerous chats about what to do during the 'Four-month break!' that seems rather laughable at this stage of the four months; the election that saw me clinching a position I didn't expect in my club; there was the exams, then the results. Then the vacation.

Yet I don't feel very accomplished. If this were a mid-term exam I think I missed the A grade.

Why? I'm not too sure of it myself. It feels like last year - because I am not really sure where I am heading, in general. And it feels like I should have matured more, grown better during the time that passed. I feel like I haven't progressed since the start of uni. Why is that?

Perhaps I should have done this on a less sentimental mood, on a night when lightning isn't flashing outside and the windows aren't shivering from thunder. Because there really is many upsides to the first half as well.

I got to know my uni friends better. I started another blog, the more 'professional' one that I always dreamed of starting (even if readership is non-existent at the moment). I joined a program about responsible energy usage and sustainable development, something close to my heart. I borrowed more books from the libraries around here and devoured them. I found incredible new shows and anime.

And I have many things to look forward to. The responsible energy program, my two clubs' respective events, the new courses I'm taking next semester.

*

I think I know why I don't feel accomplished. I'll turn 20 in September. And I don't feel like someone who's almost 20. That feels so old. I still feel like a teenager in many ways. There are still dreams left unfulfilled. Like finish writing a story. There is still such a big room for improvement.

*

All right that's it. I'm going to do a few things before I turn 20:

1) Give 100% to everything I do

2) Be much braver. Ask questions. Make mistakes. Dream childish dreams

3) Finish writing a story


On second thought, I shall continue doing them after 20 (writing and finishing more stories for the third. I will finish a story in 3 months dammit!).

And true, 20 may not mean anything. It is but another symbolic thing. But it is a good excuse to take stock of where we are now, give ourselves a pat on the back, and press on with a new war cry.